“Your loving doesn’t know its majesty until it knows its helplessness.”
This year the spring equinox, a time of new growth, fell in the middle of our 7-day silent meditation retreat. Sitting for 4 – 6 hours per day focusing on breath, noticing thoughts and letting them go again and again, and coming back to breath. This is my practice and I love when it’s intensive because it helps me to open to what is. Not to what I would like it to be, but what is.
On this day instead of a silent meal with retreatants, I went to lunch with Donna and Rose. I don’t usually take off during our retreat – but this was a special lunch. Donna and I used to go to the Cook County Detention Center to teach meditation to women and men. Rose, my reiki master, had made a beautiful vegetarian meal for Donna, who had unexpectedly lost her 26-year-old son about a month ago. It was very sudden and she was still deep into mourning. Death has much to say to us about impermanence.
When Donna picked me up at 12:15 pm her face looked like she had been crying, the grief had slightly rearranged her face from the one I remembered: usually smiling and dedicated to serving others, I could see the sadness on her face. I asked her how she was and put my hand on her shoulder. “This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through,” she said. “I just finished cleaning out his apartment, put things in storage, and let go of things no longer needed.”
We got to Rose’s home and walked into her sunny living room. There up on the wall, we saw a huge colorful triptych of many Madonnas which had been painted by Rose's mother Alberta. We examined all the Madonnas in different life situations – each about the size of a small photograph. One little painting was of Rose as a Madonna and her husband. There were a couple of black Madonnas. “She is considered the model of Christian meditation and is my inspiration,“ Rose shared.
It felt good to be sitting in a room with many images of the Virgin Mary. Rose had made a beautiful luncheon of chickpea rotini picata, a fresh salad, GF biscuits and a paleo friendly dessert with fresh berries. It felt good to be with these women and all the Madonnas round us.
As we started eating, Rose asked Donna how she was doing. And though it seemed difficult for Donna, she appreciated talking about what happened. Rose kept asking her questions and we bore witness to Donna’s pain all while slowly eating delicious chickpea rotini picata.
At the end of lunch, Donna warmly thanked us for allowing her to talk about her experience. It wasn’t a common experience she encountered since Jonathan’s death. “I think most people don’t know what to do with grief and death,” I said. “We have to go through grief. That’s how we integrate and learn what death has to teach us.“
I returned to the silence of the retreat. I sat with knowing that our lives are not permanent. There is sorrow and there is joy. How then do I choose to live this precious life? I sit. I notice thoughts and let them go. I come back to my breath. In this moment, I am one with what is. All of it.
Malama pono (take good care of body, mind, heart)
Kumu/Roshi June Kaililani Tanoue
P.S. Here are my recent talks:
The Black Dragon Jewel is Everywhere https://youtu.be/XQJq7PwZUUg
No Recipe https://youtu.be/Z3uk8e-6GjQ
The Perfection of Giving https://youtu.be/qkXwOjktuCQ